Old Dog, New Tricks

Meet Bugsy.

He is a beast of a black lab and is the youngest of our children.  Although he belongs to my ten year old son, he is my baby.  He sheds like its spring all year round and throws all 95lbs of himself on top of me in thunderstorms but I still love him.  We are a busy family, though, and don't spend as much time with him as he would like.  This summer, my ten year old (Bugsy's best friend) got a new raised bed.  The dog could no longer sleep with him every night and he has been upset with us ever since.

This very morning, I walked around outside in his kennel picking up game pieces, a bag of cheese, my son's toothbrush and toothpaste, and my husband's hunting boots that he had drug outside.  Needless to say, I was not a happy camper.  Such disobedience leaves me extremely frustrated.  I have no idea when the transgressions happened but you cannot tell me that my dog did not know what he did was wrong.  The moment I walked outside, he lowered his head in remorse.  When I came inside, I walked past him in an attempt to gather my wits about me and get ready for work.  He very slowly, with his tail between his legs followed right behind me.  I was surprised, he knew I was not happy with him and yet all he wanted to do was to be with me.

This made me think of David.  In Acts 13:22, David was called "a man after God's own heart".  I've heard people struggle with this description as David was hopelessly flawed.  How can a man with such heinous acts as murder and adultery in his list of sins be a man after God's own heart.  I believe it has to do with the fact that after he had made terrible choices, he had true repentance and such a strong desire to be with His Savior.

Hmm...now enter my own relationship with Jesus.  What is the condition of my heart after I have made poor choices?  My first reaction is typically pride and justification, quickly followed by fear of the consequences, and eventually, especially after my sin is no longer in question, I want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I can assure you my first thought is not to go spend more time with the person I've just offended!

Instead, no matter what I've done, instead of my self-righteous, self-preservation, or even self-conscious reaction, I should tuck my tail between my legs, lower my head in true remorse and spend time with my Savior.  The best part is that he has endless amounts of time to lavish his love and grace on me.  Now that is a real treat!

Time to Weed the Garden

This morning,  I walked by my flower garden and landscaping rocks and sat to finally pull the weeds that have been bothering me for weeks.  As I sat quietly, feeling relief for the weeds to be away from my beautiful flowers, I noticed how easily the weeds push around and through the rocks and whatever obstacles stand in their way,  sometimes with terribly hard sandy earth as their foundation. I realized that weeds do not need good soil to push through the boundaries.  They are so strong and determined to take a foothold that it would take very diligent, daily weeding to keep them from taking over.   I also find that even the smallest weed will take my eyes off of the beauty of the flowers.  Therefore I was thinking once again how hard I must work to keep those weeds out of my flower garden.

Weeds in my life can be anything that takes my eyes off of the beauty that is Jesus Christ.  I can get frustrated that things are not going my way.   I can feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I feel required to accomplish.  Even quality time with family can seem like a chore when we feel like there are too many things to do.

I find that my failure in daily weeding,  however, is not always my intentionally avoiding pulling them because of time and effort. I think that sometimes I walk by the weeds too many times without thinking they are that big of a deal until I don't notice them as much. Then one day, I find they've taken over. In life, most often this is when my own reaction to someone or something catches me off guard.  At this point however,  it can be much more difficult to get to the root of the weed in order to get rid of it entirely. It's much easier to pull each weed as it comes up!

This takes a conscious intentional effort,  but is vital to peace,  patience,  kindness,  joy and all the other fruits of the Spirit that we so desperately want in our lives.  In order to partake in these fruits,  we must treat each little weed as though it is a thief in the night attempting to steal our most prized possession!   As these weeds will cloud our vision and our opportunity for a closer relationship with our Saviour. 

Peace is not defined by all good,  all the time.  Peace is experienced by knowing and trusting the creator of all things that His plan is for our good. Jeremiah 29:11 is well known, He has plans for us to have hope and a future.  But Jeremiah 12 & 13 go on to say that this hope comes from keeping our eyes on Him.  (Not on everything we think that future must include. ) "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Weeds are not always the ugly, scragly vines that are an eyesore.  Sometimes weeds bloom into attractive flowers and we're tempted to let them grow.   However, no matter how pretty and attractive things are,  if they take our eyes off of Jesus,  they must be pulled up by the root and immediately disposed of!  Even our greatest intentions and well laid plans can take our eyes off of Jesus.

So,  the moral of the story is stand guard!   Be constantly watching for weeds and be quick to pull them out! 
Even the pretty ones!   Keep your focus on Jesus,  His beauty is worth the weeding!

Where Ever You Are, Be All There

Each Tuesday morning,  I meet with a few friends to pray.  We pray for whatever is on our hearts including personal lives, friends, our church.  One day,  a friend said this prayer and it just stuck with me.  

 "Lord, help me to stop trying to be what you already say I am."

It has stayed on my mind and made an impact on my heart.  

Have you ever watched a small child run  down a big hill?   Think of little Carrie Ingalls on the opening for Little House on the Prairie.  Their little legs cannot keep up with the momentum down the hill and often roll head over heels.  

This is the perfect description for my faith.  My desire and sometimes even my knowledge have more momentum than my belief system. 

 Jim Elliot said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt of every situation you believe to be the will of God."  Elliot was determined to bring the love of Christ to a group of "Ecuadorian indigenous people considered violent and dangerous to outsiders".  Men from this tribe would eventually take his life.  However, his wife, continued to share love and life with the same group of people.  Both Jim and his wife were all there.  Their faith,  knowledge,  & beliefs system converged into moldable hearts that God used to do amazing things! 

It was in a Beth Moore study that I first heard the following statements.  I believe that God is who He says He is.  I believe that God can do what He says He can do.  I believe that I am who God says I am and I can do what God says that I can do.  God's Word is alive and active in me!   

If I believe God, not just believe in Him but actually believe that His Word is alive and active, then my heart is moldable and so many other fears and distractions disappear.  

If this was easy,  I wouldn't be rolling down the hill of life.  Did I mention I'm prone to motion sickness?   I don't enjoy spinning rides and I don't enjoy rolling down hills!  So how do I get to the place where what God says takes root in my belief system and then shows up in my actions and reactions? 

Jeremiah 29:13 says, 

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Is it about trying harder?   Doing things better?  Nope,  it's about seeking  to have a closer relationship with Him!  Once again it's about knowing Him more.   This is something that I am capable of just by reading His Word and spending time in prayer.  I also really enjoy doing Bible studies written by credible authors.   If you want help finding a study, let me know!   

This is one of those times,  we should put all our eggs in one basket.  When you find out what God says AND believe it,  you will be all there too! 

Be Still and Know that I am God

A few weeks ago, my husband and I took our ten year old on his first real camping trip.  We went totally off grid on a canoe trip for a few days.  We caught fish and fried them up for supper and had to scrounge the woods for campfire since you cannot cut any trees where we were.  We even camped on an island that we got to explore.  My husband and I both love the outdoors and couldn't wait to share an experience like this with our youngest.  One afternoon, my husband took our son fishing and I decided to curl up in a camp chair with an amazing view and read a book.  There was little to no sound except a bit of the water gurgling against the rocks.  But every half hour, my mind jolted out of the story that I was enjoying causing my body to brace itself with both hands on the arms of my chair, "I need to.....".  The impulse to feel guilty for sitting and doing nothing actually caused a physical reaction.  Over and over again, "I need to....".  Nope, I don't need to do laundry.  I don't need to do dishes.  I don't even need to collect firewood.  It's all done.  There was nothing left to do but be still.

I never would have guessed how difficult this would be for me.  I have no problem sitting at home and watching a move, but I will admit, I often have a basket of laundry near by.  I felt like I should be preparing a meal, or cleaning up after something.  It took a conscious effort to sit and not feel guilty.

Guilt.  "a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation"  

My feeling of guilt was totally unfounded.  There was no obligation that I had failed to complete. 

We know God took time to rest (Gen. 2:2-3).  We know God instructs us to rest  (Hebrews 4).  I believe the error in my belief system often comes in what the obligation is.  Have I ever made rest my obligation?  Our camping trip was probably as close as I've come to it and still, I felt like I needed to have some other work to accomplish.  

I believe to be still and know that He is God has multiple applications. 

Literally, God wants you to rest.  He created you to rest.  Lisa Harper has pointed out in my Hebrews bible study that rest is not a punishment.  It is not a sin and is not required because sin exists.  Rest was part of God's perfect plan for the world before the fall of man.  When the world was perfect, rest was still needed.  Somehow, we have distorted this.  We feel the need for rest is a weakness.  

I'll be honest, I am not a good napper.  I seem to wake up in some sort of a daze and can't seem to shake it the rest of the day.  I haven't enjoyed napping since my son was an infant.  However, that doesn't mean I cannot rest in other ways.  My husband's time of rest would probably include a quiet walk through the woods.  Rest doesn't have to include sleep.  My goal this week was to pray about what a Sabbath rest would look like for me.  I really wasn't sure!  The only thing that I have come up with so far is a time without obligation or expectation.  This may just be in my frame of mind because when you have kids, there is always obligation and expectation!  It will be easier said than done to remove these things from my mind and heart but I know that is what God is saying He wants me to do!  What does a time of Sabbath rest look like for you?

God also wants your heart to rest.  Yes, as the old saying goes, "sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child".  In either of these situations, God wants you to have rest and peace.  When the storm is raging, it is difficult to remember but He is in control and His love for you surpasses any lightning waiting to strike!  When He calms the storm, we have a tendency to forget His sovereignty and the fact that He is the one that controls the wind and rain.

My most frequent storm is the worry that clouds my heart.  It's is so much a part of my life that I hardly notice until my head is pounding and I feel like I can't keep my head above water.  I forget all the times God has provided for me and all the times He has given me peace in a stormy situation.

Then, there are other people's storms.  I can see someone walking by on a sunny day with a cloud over them and they walk as though their clothes are drenched and it takes such an effort to move one foot in front of the other.  I am one that tries to fix a situation.  I hate to see those I love hurting, so I try to keep them from it.  Reaching into a situation that you aren't meant to fix can actually do more harm than good.  Let's let God calm the storm.  Let's let God be God.
That one might have hurt to put into writing.  Sometimes the lesson hits close to home.

Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God."

Be still.

Know that I am God.

Actions Speak Lounder than Words

I know it may sound like bragging, but I have a great little boy.  He is polite, fun, and has a very soft heart.  This is not to say that he is perfect.  However, he is very good at saying he's sorry.  Sometimes, I will admit his "I'm sorry" comes out so fast that I begin to question it's authenticity.  How do I know he really means it?

James 2:14-17

14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

When I hear my son say he's sorry, I expect to see his actions turn 180 degrees and head the opposite direction of whatever caused the apology in the first place.  If his actions do not take this turn, I will admit that I question wether he was ever sorry in the first place.

How easy it is for me to state one thing and do another.  I want to believe that God is my provider and that I have nothing to worry about.  Then, why does my anxiety level sky rocket when my bank balance gets low?  Why do I worry so much about my children?  Why do I feel like I need to keep so many balls in the air?

What lesson am I teaching my children if I say to trust God and then I run screaming into the night scared that the bottom will fall out of the boat?  

Our actions prove what we believe.  I often claim trust, but my actions poke holes in my theory.  The desire to trust wholeheartedly is within me.  The ability to trust wholeheartedly is not like leaning back in an easy chair.  Sometimes it feels much more like paddling a pontoon up a river with only one little paddle.  The choice to attempt to move the boat with that small paddle is the hardest part.  I forget that God can calm the most outrageous of rivers and the very depths of my heart.  How often do I look at the little paddle in my hand and toss it over my shoulder and yell for help at friends that seem to be cruising by me in their speed boats.  I don't even try.  Thankfully, many of my closest friends carry towropes with them! 

 

When I feel as though I'm falling behind and have no paddle to try to make my way back to reliance on Jesus, I thank the Lord above that he often sends a friend to pull me safely to shore where I can begin to slowly recover.  

What I realize on the shore is that I never lost my paddle, I just chose not to use it.  

Matters of the Heart

"In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor."  Genesis4:3-5a

What motivates you? What moves you in action? Why do you do what you do?

Often, we hear the pastor say that something is a heart issue, but that's a rather vague definition.  So, the other day, I asked my 9 year old if he knows what it means to say that something is a heart issue. He said, "in a way isn't the heart the same as action?"   He made me think about it!  My answer went something like this. Two people can do the same thing and it can be a good thing that they've done but for two very different reasons and one will please God more than the other. He said, "Like, two people will go to church and one will be really excited about it and the other one will go just because their parents want them to?"  He is correct, but it often is not that obvious.  Both kids could be excited about going to church and one could still be more pleasing to God.  So, why does their motivation mean so much?  Isn't it just good that they are doing something good?

Have you ever considered what other people's motivation means to you?

Ladies, let's say you've just finished dinner and your husband gets up to do the dishes.  There are many possibilities of his motivation for this action.  He could be thinking my wife had a hard day and I don't want her to have to stand here and do dishes after working so hard making us supper.  He could be thinking I can't believe how messy this house is and be frustrated that no one else is doing it.  Does the motivation for the action change it's meaning to you?

Men, let's say your wife begins to ask you questions about your ideal job situation.  She may be asking because she wants you to feel fulfilled.  She may be asking because she doesn't think you're working hard enough now.  Does the motivation for the question change it's meaning to you?

Once again, we realize it is so much more about our heart than our actions.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

These verses don't say work harder to be pleasing to God.  It says transform your mind and you will be able to test and approve what God's will is.  What do I transform my mind to?  Believe God's Word.  If you believe it, I guarantee you will be transformed.  It's when we stop believing it with our heart that we get off track.  I find that I often act without questioning my own motives and it isn't until I deal with something unpleasant that I realize my heart wasn't in the right place to begin with.  

It makes me think back to when I was 13 years old and at Disneyland.  My cousin and I jumped into a car that was just a smaller looking version of one of the original vehicles.  We could steer back and forth but there was a rail between the tires to help us keep on track.  If I went too far we would hit the rail with a jerk that at the time sent us into a giggle fit.  This ride has some similarities to walking the Christian life.  My relationship with God is the rail that keeps me on track.  My heart is what moves us forward but sometimes when my motivation is self I hit the rail.  Did I tell you that I need to go the chiropractor on a regular basis?  I haven't heard the terms whip lash but if my chiropractor spoke in spiritual terms, she'd be spot on!  So, my prayer for today is that my focus is on the path ahead (my relationship with God)!  May each bump in the road bring us closer to Him!

Love of the Father

Last night, my son was not making great choices and he got in trouble.  When I went into his room to tuck him into bed, he was curled up in a ball in tears.  I gently pulled the covers back and asked what the problem was.  He said, "Daddy doesn't like me anymore."  My heart broke.  He believed that the consequences to his poor choices were a direct reflection of the way his dad felt about him.  Fortunately, his dad understood how detrimental it would be for him to continue believing that lie.  So, he wrapped his son in his arms and just loved on him.

This morning, my mind replayed the events.  How often do I believe that the consequences of my actions are a direct reflection of how God feels about me?   I can say with my mouth that I believe there is nothing that I can do to make God love me less.  However, I know there are times that I put God in a human box.  I tend to relate him to how an imperfect being would react to circumstances instead of the infinite grace that defines his very being.

Do you know how many times my husband has told his little boy that he loves him?  There is no way to count.  There are days that he just repeats it over and over again.  It isn't all just about telling him either, he has shown him with hugs and sacrifices.  My son sees the joy in his dad's eyes when they make plans to go spend a day together.  Do these things automatically mean that my son will never doubt his father's love?  No.  Unfortunately there is nothing that my husband can do to make sure our son believes how much he loves him.  My son must choose to believe it.

1 John 4:8 says God is love.

He chose to send His son to die so that I would not have the eternal consequences to my sin and yet my comprehension of that depth falls short.  Therefore, I need to choose, every day to believe that it happened and that a love like that exists.  I have seen evidence.  The creator of the universe has reached into my life and provided for me when nothing else could.  Yet, in moments of looking for the easy way out, sometimes I forget how real and how close He is to me.  His Word tells us,

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:17b-19

What would it look like for my son to believe his father's love is not determined by his actions?     First, when his dad points out his poor choices, he would know it's in love and therefore not get defensive and try to justify his actions.  Second, he would not feel so horrible about the poor choices.  He would acknowledge that he made a mistake and be able to move on without it affecting his personal worth.  Finally, it would not create a barrier in the relationship between he and his father.

I want to say that I've never reacted in these ways.  However, I am a work in progress!  Thankfully, 
Philippians 1:6, says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

What relief that promise brings!  
There is nothing I can do to make God love me more and there is nothing I can do to make God love me less.  Today, I choose to believe it!

Whatever It Takes

2 Corinthians 12:9
"My grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore,  I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness,  so that Christ's power may rest on me."

More than anything I want to know God and believe what His Word says.  I also long for those I love to know Him too.   Each and every day someone I love seems to go through something hard.   It doesn't matter if it's a tragic loss or a hiccup in their plans, it's often difficult to see beyond whatever difficult situation we're facing.  These things make us ask the question,  why?  Why me?  Why now?

My sweet 9 year old son, on regular basis deals with anxiety.  I cringe when those that know me best sarcastically say, "I wonder where he got that!?"  I reject the idea that I live in that world.  However, if I stop for a moment, I recognize that it might...um...ggrrrr....nope, I don't want to admit that he gets it from me.  I was his age exactly when my headaches began.  I remember missing school.  I remember going to the doctor several times.  I remember the CT scan and still have nightmares about the allergy test.  I will never forget how I felt when the doctor looked me in the eye after weeks of tests and told me that I worry too much.  I said, "I'm 9 years old, what do I have to worry about?"  It was such a subconscious thing, I didn't even realize I was doing it.  Now, I look at my son and wonder if he feels the same way.  Does he know he's doing it?  When he comes home convinced that he's failing fourth grade, does he know how he got to that point?  My first instinct is to convince him that his fear is just unfounded, but I've learned to first allow his mind to go to the fear and face it.  "Ok, let's say you fail fourth grade.  What would that look like next year?"  He realizes he knows all the information and would be at the top of every chart.  He realized he loves his teacher and would be able to be with her again.  He would still see all of his friends at church and recess and after school activities.  Then, we go looking for the truth.  "What would it take to fail fourth grade?"  I don't know if I know the answer to this question and I'm sure they don't call it "failing" anymore, but we talk about it probably including an inability to learn the required information.  "And are you able to learn the information?"  The answer is yes.  The truth is, he is not behind in any area, but, more so on the advanced side.  And yet, I watch him totally fall apart if he is disciplined for any behavior including forgetting homework, talking too loudly in the hallway, or playing too rough on the playground.  He begins to believe lies about himself and is convinced he is inferior.  

It pains me to watch my son go through this process over and over again.  So many times I have had to calm him down and walk him through the same steps of facing his worst fear, then finding the truth and asking him about where his self worth comes from.  I want to pray that he will never go through it again, but then I realize, each and every time we walk through this process, I get an opportunity to help him recognize the lie, find the truth, and remind him that the Creator of the World thinks he is awesome!  Even if I have to watch him suffer for a few minutes, that lesson is worth it!

Some time before Easter, a bullet point in a sermon at our church talked about Mary watching Jesus dying on the cross.  Jesus was her son.  Her baby.  She watched him suffer in a way that I cannot fathom.  She knew full well, that Jesus had the power to take himself off of the cross and yet, he didn't and she watched him die.  It was part of the Father's plan for Him and Jesus said, whatever it takes.  

When I think about life's most difficult moments, I will be praying that God would relieve my loved ones from those battles but I will include, Lord, if these moment are meant to be part of Your plan for them, may this situation make them come running to You.  May they find Your love more real.  If that is the outcome, Lord, then, whatever it takes.

The Pursuit of Relationship

Have you ever pursued a relationship with someone?  This could be your spouse or even just someone you wanted to know better.  When I met my husband, he was not looking for a romantic relationship but there was just something about him that made me want to know him.  There was something that was magnetic about his personality and his ability to make everyone feel important.  I could tell it wasn't just me that felt it.  He was always the center of the action, but not like someone that was trying hard to be the center of attention.  It was just that everyone wanted to be around him so where he went, people followed.  I had to be intentional about creating a relationship with him.  We had mutual friends and I made sure to accept every invite when I knew he would be there.  I even stepped out of my comfort zone and made opportunities to see him.  I was not necessarily trying to have a romantic relationship with him, friendship would do...for now.

Have you ever heard of someone saying they were pursuing a relationship with Jesus?  I feel as though these are words thrown around without much thought.  What does it look like to pursue a relationship with Jesus and why would you want to do it?  You may think, I'm a Christian, so that relationship already exists, why do I need to "pursue" Him?

Matthew 28:18-20 is considered "The Great Commission".  These verses give instructions that we are to follow.  One of these instructions is "to teach all that God has commanded".  How do we know this if we don't know Him?

To put effort into creating and deepening a relationship with someone, first of all, takes time.  It takes an intentional effort.  You can have many many conversations with someone and never break the surface.  You have to ask questions and then listen.  You need to spend time with one another.  How do you do this with the God of gods?

1. READ THE BIBLE

Reading the Bible is not just for learning about events in the past.  By reading the Bible, you can begin to build a relationship with the Author.  How does He feel about things?  How does He feel about you?  When you read the Bible, ask yourself, what does this verse or chapter tell me about the character of God?

1 John 4:10, " This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

2. PRAY AND DON'T FORGET TO LISTEN

Have you ever asked God a question and just sat quietly waiting for an answer?  It's not as easy to do as it sounds.  I tend to keep on asking without waiting for an answer.   Many people wonder how to hear the voice of God.  First, I think the better you know Him, the easier it is to know His voice. When my close friends call, they don't need to tell me who they are, I've spoken with them enough to know their voice.  
This next statement may sound contradictory but actually, I think it backs up my first statement. When I take time to listen, He almost always surprises me.  Stay with me here.  I will ask God a question and my tendency is to flip through the options of answers but when I really take time to listen, God's answers are always better than anything I could come up with on my own.  And always fits with what I know about the character of God, I know it was His voice.  Also, don't be afraid to pour your heart out!  My sister in law is going through a terrible custody battle.  In this scary time, she has so many fears.  I encouraged her to share them with God.  He knows!  Which brings us to my next point. 

3. TRUST HIM

I'm not just talking about being able to say that you trust in God.  I'm saying if you fully commit, then don't hold back any part of your heart.   Even working at a church,  I find myself being scared to really open my heart.  I think I'm afraid of what He might ask of me if I offer all of me.  I know I'm afraid if I truly open up my heart to people I'll get hurt.  But if I've truly given my heart to God then other people's opinions don't matter and therefore less opportunity to be hurt.  

4. KNOW HIM

Like several songs say, to know Him, is to love Him.   The more we open our hearts in relationship to God,  the more He is able to show His incredible love for us.   He's waiting for us to choose to spend  time with Him. 

My husband and I have been married for over twelve years now.  When I began to pursue a relationship with him, I never would have guessed how our relationship would get better and better with each passing year.  It reminds me of how much I didn't know I needed a closer relationship with Jesus until I began to pursue Him.  Now, with each passing day, I find out new things about my God.  I find out how much He loves me and it blows my mind how personal He is.  This Jesus that the Bible talks about is not some foreign deity.  He is a personal friend of mine, capable of more love,  joy, & peace than anyone on this planet.  Who couldn't use more of those?!

          

Are there hurdles in your marathon?

Once upon a time I was visiting my grandma in the nursing home.  As we exited the home,  my family was in front of me.  My sister opened up the door on the right,  my dad opened the door on the left and my brain said I'll just walk out the middle like a movie star with "people" that pave the way and.... BAM, like Emeril Lagasse, with a special ingredient,  I ran right into the post in the middle.   

Have you ever been walking through your day feeling like you're making progress and BAM someone throws a hurdle in front of you that you didn't quite expect?   Kind of like a door post you could swear was not there a second ago!?

I started a new Bible study last week and I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me through it.  The study opened with some preliminary questions.  Basically, what do you hope to get out of this study?   One of the questions had me thinking about what keeps me from fulfilling my calling.   I found myself writing down names.  People that apparently I felt like are hurdles in my marathon of life.

 It didn't take long for me to hear that voice that speaks silently to my spirit.  I heard God say that a hurdle in my calling will never be a person.  He will never set a goal for me that another person can stand in the way of.  No person can get in the way of God’s goal for me.  

Basically, you can picture me minding my own business and running my race when I see a hurdle, so I jump.  Often, the jump is unsuccessful and as I lay on the track with road rash, I look back and unlike the door post, the hurdle did not actually exist!  So what do I do with those feelings that someone is standing in my way? I need to figure out what I'm believing that isn't true.   Either the path that person is blocking is not the path I'm supposed to be on or they aren't really in my way.   That does not mean no one will ever hurt me or that someone else’s sin won’t affect me, but it does not have to keep me from all that God has intended.  That was a big lesson for the study having not even started!!! 

Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Each day I learn more about my God and that he really can meet all my needs and I pray that each day I learn to believe it more.  Does that mean that I will be able to successfully leap effortlessly over all the hurdles in life?   I guarantee that will not be the case.   

Immediately following slamming my body into a door post,  I looked up and saw that no one in my family saw my blunder.   I could've kept it to myself,  pretending like it never happened but it was an opportunity to create a memory with my family that we laugh about to this day.  I pray that whatever obstacles (or door posts) that are in my path, whether I'm able to leap gracefully or trip and fall on my face,  that I run the race God has laid out for me fixing my eyes on Jesus.

The Wedding Planner

I love weddings!  I love all the details and planning and flowers and music.  I would love to be a wedding planner.  If my Saturdays weren't already filled with soccer games and basketball tournaments, I would love to help people pull together the mass of details and decisions that it takes to pull off a beautiful wedding.  I work at a church, so I get to play wedding planning on a very minor scale.  I enjoy thinking of things that other people haven't.  I find that being a part of someone's big day makes me feel very special.

This past fall I was thoroughly enjoying the Bible study Chase by Jennie Allen with some precious ladies.  Each Wednesday evening, we met and discussed David and how his sin filled life intensified his own awareness for his need of a Savior and continued to draw his heart toward his Lord.  There was a particular activity that she had us doing that became very special to each of us.  She had us fill out a T chart.  One side asked the question, "who is God?"  The other side basically asked "and what does that mean for me?"  It became my favorite way to start the day.  Lord, who are you today?  Each time I asked (and didn't jump ahead a page and fill in my own answers) but sat quietly waiting for Him to respond, He answered in such a personal and unique way.  Often the answer we received was something none of us would ever have thought of on our own.

One Thursday morning,  my frustration at work came to a boiling point.  Things were not going as I planned and it seemed other people's agendas were getting further and further from the direction I felt like we should be headed.  I did not do the right thing.  I did not respond in love or even go to the Lord in prayer and yet, He was gracious to me.  I grabbed a listening ear and somehow ended up in the same room that we meet for Bible study.  I whined and complained until I was sure I had made my point and somehow the conversation turned towards my current study.  I immediately shared about this very cool tool helping me to ask God who He was and what that meant to me.  Almost mid sentence I was reminded of the last answer I had received to that question.  I had all but dismissed it the day before without giving it much thought....it just sounded too silly.

I shared it with my listener that day and want to share it with you today, even if it is just so that I never forget the message.  He said, "I am the bridegroom.  The church is my bride.  And we do not need a wedding planner."  My first reaction is to grasp at anything that I think cannot be done without me.  I want to be needed because that makes me important, worth more, right?  I enjoy being the driving force behind progress.  When I realized how desperate I was to find my personal worth in what I do, I heard my whiny inner child voice saying, "but then I'm not needed for anything".

Don't despair, there is a MAJOR silver lining here!  If I let this new reality sink in, (not like an indent on a squishy bed, but really sink in, like the fruit pieces that are way down into the jello salad, fully immersed in cherry goodness) I feel relief.  I am no longer responsible for the way other people live their lives.  Since I have no control over this anyway, I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. And just like the infomercial - Wait!  There's more!  God chooses to allow me to be part of His plan.  Not for His benefit but for mine!  He doesn't need me to accomplish anything, but He often places me in the path of His plan.  Each and every time that happens, I am blessed.  In fact, I think our own agendas are often foiled so we can't take credit.  It is in that moment that you realize you were just along for the ride.

The person sitting in a quiet corner of our church, listening to my frustrated heart was along for the ride that day.  God allowed her to be in the right place at the right time, but not because it was her calling to point me in the right direction.  When our heart is in the right place, sometimes we get a front row seat to watch what God is doing in someone else's life.  That is what I want to think about each morning when I decide if it's worth getting out of bed.

I am not an unemployed wedding planner.  Instead, as part of the body of Christ, I get the perspective of a perpetual bride.  I watch Him place people, including myself in the best possible place to see His love for us.  This is a beautiful thing!  When I take details into my own hands, even when I have the best of intentions, that's when I become Bridezilla!  So, let's focus on knowing Him and let Him take care of the details.

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

Almost eleven years ago, I was a naive young newlywed, anxious to become a mother.  I probably should have purchased stock in a pregnancy test company as I took them almost monthly.  When one day, the test came back positive, I could not have been happier!  As disgusting as it sounds, I could not throw the pee ridden test away.  I kept looking back at it trying to convince myself that it was true.  I told my husband and we carefully planned how we would announce it to our families.  It was Easter Sunday, 2004.  We had purchased adorable frames with baby decor and inserted a sign, "to be filled Nov. 24".  Everyone was thrilled...almost as thrilled as me.

Each day I would take a mental inventory of things I was waiting to happen.  Are my clothes fitting any tighter?  Am I feeling nauseous?  I excitedly made my first doctor appointment and couldn't wait to soak in every prenatal experience.  As I lay on the table in the exam room, waiting for the Certified Nurse Midwife, fear clenched my heart.  It was taking too long.  Tears started running down my face and she told my husband to come stand next to me and hold my hand.  More tests confirmed, there was no heartbeat.  My world crumbled around me.  My husband had to almost carry me out to the car as my legs felt like jello.  We just sat there, holding each other crying.  We made a few phone calls, but the dark cloud closing in was the only comfort I felt.  That might sound strange.  I didn't understand it for a long time but I know that I grabbed the black hole that I was sinking into and used it as a blanket to try to shut out the world. There is a song by Natalie Grant titled Held.  I have had a bit of a roller coaster type relationship with the song but one particular line I feel describes this time in my life so well.  "This hand is bitterness.  We want to taste it and Let the hatred numb our sorrows." 

I closed myself off in my bedroom.  Along with having medical complications that week, my grandmother also passed away. I cannot put into words the grief in those days.  I actually don't have a whole lot of memory from the days and months that followed. I know that eventually I went back to work because that's where I was when I received a call saying that an old friend that I loved had just tragically lost her five month old son.  I locked the door at work and sat crying in the bathroom.  The pain that I had begun to just live with was overwhelming once again.   I wanted so badly to be able to go and hug my friend but it was more than I could bear.  I was too empty to pour anything into someone else's life.

I believe it was September, 2004.  Each day I would wake up, I went through my routine but I was not really living.  I attended a wedding reception of another old friend.   The bride's sister was my friend that had lost her precious son only a few months earlier.   I saw her across the room and wanted to talk but didn't know the words to say.   As I watched her visit with friends and relatives,  I could not take my eyes off of her.   Could it be that she had joy?  I was stunned.   I had to know if that was really what I was seeing.  I made my way to her and failed at small talk.  I cannot quote the conversation but I can tell you that it rocked my world.  It was not that she was not still in the midst of unspeakable grief.  She had not "recovered and moved on".   She knew God in a way that I had not allowed to happen.   The joy of the Lord was her strength and I WANTED IT!  Up until that point,  I was hanging onto that security blanket so tightly that I didn't let God minister to my broken heart. Right then and there I felt a burden begin to lift.   I'm not going to say that my grief disappeared over night. I will say that I do not believe that the existence of joy does not mean the absence of sadness. Charles Spurgeon said, "A further source of joy is found by the Christian, who is living near to God, in a deep sense of reconciliation to God, of acceptance with God, and yet, beyond that, of adoption and close relationship to God."  Once we come to the realization that God is a loving father that wants us to lay all our burdens on Him,  there is joy, unspeakable joy!   

May 26, 2005, almost one year exactly to my miscarriage,  I had a son.  Along with motherhood, comes fear.   You watch your infant breathe praying for each new breath. You create a bubble of sanitary toys and make friends wash their hands before, after, and during their visits.   By themselves, these are not bad options but when driven by fear, your actions are no longer under your control. You are allowing something else, an emotion, to dictate your actions and reactions.   Each time these fears would arise,  my very personal God spoke to me and said "your greatest fear came to fruition and I still had everything you needed". 

And He was right.   December 2006, I lost another baby.  This time,  I didn't hold back my heart from my loving father.  I still grieved but not without the peace that truly surpasses our understanding.  I'm sad to have lost two sweet little lives but I relish the relationship that I now have with my Creator. My children are in His arms and can you think of a better babysitter? 

So, what happens when your worst nightmare comes true? You find out that Franklin D. Roosevelt was wrong.  Not even fear is worth fearing.   

Am I supposed to believe that I am beautiful?

This inspiration for today's writing, is the mushroom and swiss burger I just devoured for lunch.  As I was ordering I thought about the half-hearted resolution that I didn't really ever commit to Jan. 1, 2015.  I have aspirations of losing weight but more than that, I would like to get back to the fitness level that I was not so many years ago.  No one would look at me now and think, oh, she could definitely be a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  I miss the regular exercise.  I miss running up a flight of stairs without having to catch my breath.

I read a blog today about how unhealthy it is to compare ourselves with others.  This particular writer focused on the observations of most women and that we all aspire to be better than we are in certain areas.  I will admit, I wish I was more organized.  As much as I enjoy cooking, I have no desire to make everything from scratch but I wish I did.  I wish I was better at managing finances.  Today when I paid for said delicious burger, when she asked if I needed a receipt, I said yes, please and shoved it onto the pile of receipts yet to be tracked in my checking account.  Some days, I just pray that I didn't overspend my balance, but honestly, since I don't keep track very well, it happens.  That's when my husband's level of grace is tested but that's for another day.  There was a flip side to this blog, however and she went on to mention some of the things she was good at that other's may envy.  I have my strengths.  Some days they tend to shine more than others depending on my attitude (see yesterday's post).  Her bottom line was, we all have strengths and weaknesses, don't compare.  Good lesson, right?

I spoke with an old friend this morning about her grandson.  He is eight and already dealing with some major self-image issues.  She said, "he's just so sensitive".  My first reaction is that sensitivity can be a great gift!  To have a tender heart and be sensitive to the way that others are feeling around you can be one of those things others aspire to have!  HOWEVER, when that sensitivity transpires into questioning your value, it can make each day feel like walking through almost hardened cement.  It is extremely draining.  You have no energy to serve, teach, give any part of yourself because you can only focus on getting yourself through the day.

So, as a beautiful, healthy and active eight year old boy or as an over-weight, middle aged, former Tae Kwon Do instructor, how should either of us feel about ourselves?  I don't look just like I want to look.  Am I supposed to I believe that I am beautiful?  Is it enough to find my strengths and just understand that we all have our areas of giftedness?  Here is an even more important question: who's opinion matters?

There is a book that my oh so wise mother has been reading to her grandchildren as early on and as often as possible.  It is You Are Special by Max Lucado.  The lesson is in the book is that the value of each person (or Wimmick) is determined by our creator.  What a beautiful lesson.  I heard an illustration by Jennie Allen, who's Bible studies I have grown to love and find myself going back to over and over.  She talked about the artwork of her small child.  She was guessing, was it a giraffe? Was it a horse?  She could have guessed a thousand different things, but who gets to decide what was on that priceless piece of notebook paper?  The artist of course!  

So, what does my maker say about me?   I am loved!
Romans 8:35-39  
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So, what does my maker say about me?   I am His child!
Galatians 4:6-7
Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.”  So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.

The list of how He feels about you is pretty amazing.  He goes on and on like a gushing grandparent that doesn't care that you can't sing or play sports or balance your checkbook.  He loves us just the way we are!

Does that mean that I should eat a cheeseburger every day and not exercise?  Nope.  What it means is that if I decide to take that detrimental route that His love for me will not change in the slightest bit! Has your child ever made a bad decision and all you wanted to do was to keep them from having to deal with the consequences of it....but you know that in the long run, it would be beneficial for them to experience the consequences?  It still makes your heart sad that they made the decision in the first place.  That's how He feels about my consistent poor eating choices.  He knows my life would be easier lived if I treated my body like the gift that it is, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can do that will change his love for me!

I don't know about you, but that makes me want to eat a salad for supper!

The Umbrella that Plugs My Ears

Did you ever have one of those days?  Today was the kind of Monday that defines the groaning "Monday" that society has accepted as the norm.  In my line of work, Mondays are typically very busy days that don't leave time to think about whether or not my Monday is dreary.  Many of my Monday tasks revolve around collecting information and passing it along to ministry leaders that are waiting to pray and process what's been collected.  Today, my bad attitude had me beat before any tasks could begin.  I chocked it up to an extra weekend meeting for work and regretfully did not deal with the heart situation that had begun.  Somewhere mid morning, God sent me a text from a friend who I try to meet with on a regular basis just for fellowship.  Did I want to do lunch on Monday instead of Tuesday this week?  Yes!  Please!  Get me out of this office!  We didn't even get to our destination before I started in on everything that was wrong with my day.  We visited through lunch and ended in her vehicle outside of my place of work when she asked the inevitable question.  "So, what went so wrong that you're having such a bad day?"  Hmm... good question.....  Well, yesterday the meeting...no, actually the meeting went quite well.   This morning....no, today went as well, if not better than other days.  Where HAD things gone wrong?   I woke up, things were fine, dropped my son off at school in a better than typical mood and on time, which is not a daily occurance.  Then, I received a text.  After that, things went south.  What was the fateful text you might ask?  "Praying you can look forward to serving your God today."

I once gave a message at a Vacation Bible School.  It was on the Ten Commandments.  I told the kids, the ten commandments are not what we need to follow in order to go to heaven.  They are basically a mirror used to look at ourselves in light of God's righteousness.  We have a dire need for God's grace.  It is not an occasional need.  It is an every second of every day kind of need.  So, what happens when we break a commandment?  That is sin.  Romans 3:23 says, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God".  I told the kids that sin is like an umbrella that we open up over ourselves, blocking our ability to communicate effectively with God.  This umbrella does NOT block the love and grace available from our Heavenly Father.  However, it puts our ear plugs in.  That same sin, if not dealt with can begin to harden our hearts making the umbrella a thick cement wall.  Cement is not impenetrable, just very tough to get through.  The hardest part of removing the umbrella or the cement wall is the same.  It is to realize that we've put it up.

I do believe that we have an enemy.  I believe Satan looks for easy targets.  Today, I was that easy target.  My thought process when I got the loving and thoughtful text from my mom was that she needn't worry.  I could continue the sour attitude that she had seen displayed the day before and have no problem going to work and serving my God today.  I thought I could compartmentalize my frustration.  However, my self-righteousness proved to be the sin that sprung open the party size umbrella over my heart today.

Thank you Lord for a mom that not only cares enough to pray but believes it makes a difference.  Thank you for amazing friends that will listen without judgement and then offer to pray not just for me but with me in the heat of the moment.  Most of all, thank you for grace.  The moment I went to you in prayer was the moment I realized that I had popped up the umbrella and also the moment that you helped me remove it.  Thank you for your unending love.  I will need it tomorrow too.

Grace of Joy

Grace of Joy...

Imperfection is perhaps the greatest gift I have been given.   A strange thought, perhaps.  Perfection would most surely produce pride.  Pride would absolutely lead to other varieties of arrogance and self-righteousness.  Therefore, I have deduced that it is much healthier to be imperfect.  It intensifies my need for grace and illuminates my vulnerability.  I make mistakes, sometimes big icky ones.  My insatiable desire to be comfortable, successful, and happy supersedes my desire to make other people comfortable, successful and happy.  Therefore, I have the ability to hurt people and probably do often without even knowing it.  Add to that my tendency to be self-conscious, people pleasing and insecure and I'm a whole lotta trouble.  If that was all I knew to be true, I would be terribly unhappy.  Here is where the good part begins.  Jesus came to earth and chose to die and pay the penalty for all of my poor choices. 

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

 He may have come a long time ago but His death paid for all my past, present, and future mistakes, including those made because of my insecurities.  I have chosen to accept His gift of forgiveness.   I have chosen to allow Jesus into my heart.  What does that mean?  It means I want Jesus to be my motivation for all my actions.  

1 Samuel 16:7b
"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I want desperately for my motivation to be simply to bring glory to God.  The best part?  When I continually screw up there is grace.  Realizing that grace will take more than a lifetime.  Each day I find new grace.   

Lamentations 3:22-23 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

None of my mistakes are outside of the grace of God.  Today I will accept that I am not perfect and strive to get to know this God that loves me more than I can fathom.