Amazing Grace

I am so tempted to spend my day wallowing in sadness.  And when I say tempted, I mean I physically feel my heart being pulled toward unanswered questions, the hole left from those gone too soon, and the fear that the memories I have will fade.  Today would’ve been my sister in law’s birthday.  It wasn’t an occasion that we celebrated with grand gestures, and yet today, for some reason, my emotions are closer to the surface than they have been for months.  Because today feels like she should be celebrated and yet we are caught between celebrating the one we love and trying to pretend it’s a normal day so that we can just make it through the responsibilities we have…work, parenting, etc.  There is no right way to do things.  There is no best practice. 

However, there is something I refuse to do today. I refuse to be manhandled by my emotions.  I choose the thoughts I dwell on.  I choose the conclusions I draw from those thoughts.  The truth is that it’s not about what kind of person she was.  It’s not about the fact that she was always willing to listen to others’ problems and offer a helping hand.  It’s not about the fact that she loved her son so fiercely that it took over her entire life…and death.  It is about the Savior that I am not only convinced that she knew but is here for me now.  It is His comfort and His love that I know will see us through.  It is about the ways He has already transformed the relationships in our family and created a strong desire to be together and love on each other. 

My mind struggles to reconcile His goodness and my grief as they seem to contradict each other and yet His goodness, His grace, and His love define my grief.  He is not only the only hope there is to cling to, but His hope brings light into an otherwise completely desolate place.  When all is black and you can’t see your hand in front of your face, a glimmer of light is no small detail.  It transforms everything! 

Since Eve ate the apple in the garden of Eden, there has been a knowledge of pain in this world.  Believing that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do, does not remove that fact.  “God didn’t come into the world to make the bad people good, He came to make the impossible, possible.”  He came to redeem the unredeemable.  He came to offer life where there is death.  He came to give me hope in a hopeless situation.  Today, I will grieve.  I will hurt.  But I will know and acknowledge that I am comforted by a God that truly has hope to offer. 

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

(Amazing Grace by John Newton)