Amazing Grace

I am so tempted to spend my day wallowing in sadness.  And when I say tempted, I mean I physically feel my heart being pulled toward unanswered questions, the hole left from those gone too soon, and the fear that the memories I have will fade.  Today would’ve been my sister in law’s birthday.  It wasn’t an occasion that we celebrated with grand gestures, and yet today, for some reason, my emotions are closer to the surface than they have been for months.  Because today feels like she should be celebrated and yet we are caught between celebrating the one we love and trying to pretend it’s a normal day so that we can just make it through the responsibilities we have…work, parenting, etc.  There is no right way to do things.  There is no best practice. 

However, there is something I refuse to do today. I refuse to be manhandled by my emotions.  I choose the thoughts I dwell on.  I choose the conclusions I draw from those thoughts.  The truth is that it’s not about what kind of person she was.  It’s not about the fact that she was always willing to listen to others’ problems and offer a helping hand.  It’s not about the fact that she loved her son so fiercely that it took over her entire life…and death.  It is about the Savior that I am not only convinced that she knew but is here for me now.  It is His comfort and His love that I know will see us through.  It is about the ways He has already transformed the relationships in our family and created a strong desire to be together and love on each other. 

My mind struggles to reconcile His goodness and my grief as they seem to contradict each other and yet His goodness, His grace, and His love define my grief.  He is not only the only hope there is to cling to, but His hope brings light into an otherwise completely desolate place.  When all is black and you can’t see your hand in front of your face, a glimmer of light is no small detail.  It transforms everything! 

Since Eve ate the apple in the garden of Eden, there has been a knowledge of pain in this world.  Believing that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do, does not remove that fact.  “God didn’t come into the world to make the bad people good, He came to make the impossible, possible.”  He came to redeem the unredeemable.  He came to offer life where there is death.  He came to give me hope in a hopeless situation.  Today, I will grieve.  I will hurt.  But I will know and acknowledge that I am comforted by a God that truly has hope to offer. 

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

(Amazing Grace by John Newton)

Peace is like Water to a Thirsty Soul

When peace like a river seems to be swept away in the rapids, we begin to feel as though we're grasping for a feeling that is just out of our reach.  However, when we boldly approach our Father in Heaven, consistently seeking a relationship with Him, peace no longer seems swept away in the rapids, it's the inner tube on which we float over them.  I was reminded recently that peace is not the absence of chaos and conflict.  It is the "wholeness" and "harmony" we feel regardless of our circumstances and surroundings.  In fact, if there is no chaos or conflict, there really isn't a way to know for sure if we have God's peace.   Peace is always attainable and never based on the people around us.  The truth is, if I don't have peace right now, I'm not going to have it if the circumstances around me change.

So, how do I have peace?  First of all, you must know the giver of the only real peace, Jesus Christ.  Second, you must be in contact with Him on a regular basis.  Just like your friendships with others grow closer the more you spend time together, so your knowledge of Jesus and the peace He can give you becomes an unquestionable truth in your life.

I was out feeding our animals the other night. I grabbed the hose and as I began to fill the empty water container, two animals came running up to drink.  One had her nose down into the bucket when the water sputtered.  The one that wasn't drinking got scared and ran away.  The one that was drinking looked at me, then continued to drink until her thirst was satisfied.

The water bucket was completely dry when I started which means the animals in that pen were thirsty and needed water.  The reason the one didn't run away is because I bottle fed it and it spent hours and hours with me.  It trusts me even though the noise was startling and she didn't know what it meant.  She trusted me beyond her instincts to run away.

I couldn't help but see the picture of our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  When the unknown scares us, it's easy to want to run away.  Our instinct is to want to protect ourselves.  However, sometimes it is in the rapids that God shows us His faithfulness in a way that we probably couldn't have even imagined.  Not always, but sometimes, we might even say, "that was incredible, let's do it again!"  In order to have that kind of trust to not just disregard our instincts but to change our instincts, we need to have an ongoing relationship with God.  We need to spend hours and hours seeking to know who He is and I guarantee we'll find Him trustworthy.

It's interesting to me.  I look at the animals and the only chance they have of being malnourished is if they are too afraid to come to me.  I will provide them everything they need, but if they are too afraid to get near me and avoid the area where I usually show up, they will suffer.  Not only that, but those that come running up get the best water, the freshest food and they can eat as much as they like.  Peace is like water to a thirsty soul.  There are free refills, we just need to go to the Father to get it.

  

Journal of Joy

This might sound crazy, but one thing I really enjoy is researching Bible Study curriculum, in particular those specifically written to speak to women.  I like to watch sample videos and read sample studies.  I like to read the "why I wrote this" behind each study if it's available.  One possible downfall to this is my feeling of inferiority after I read through them.  I think wow, "I could never say that in a better way" or "I could never reach people like this study will reach people" and sometimes, "every topic has been covered, who am I to add to what has already been said".  This, perhaps, is why it's difficult sometimes to push out a blog post or even have a conversation with a hurting friend.  I don't feel qualified to speak into or even about certain situations.

[Enter grace stage left]

However, Grace of Joy is not about what I can do for others.  It is not about touching people or enlightening them.  It is something that no one has written on before because it's MY story.  It is basically a journal of the grace that my Savior has lavished on me.  Each day He reveals Himself to me in new ways and I find out how much it is not about my relationship with someone else.  It isn't about someone else's relationship with God.  My journey is about me and my Savior.  The moment I factor in someone else, is the moment worry, fear, pride, control, disappointment, and feelings of inadequacy have the ability to cloud my sight of who Jesus is and how He factors into each situation.

This perspective begs the question, so do you stop caring about people?  On the contrary!  It does, however, change my goal in my relationships with other people.  What is my goal?  I want to know Jesus.  I want to know who He is.  I want to believe Him.  I want to trust Him.  If someone shares with me a difficult situation that they are dealing with, it is not a burden for me to carry.  I can go with them to the foot of the cross and lay it down before the Lord.  I cannot, however, make them leave it there.

So, basically, the best way to serve people is to realize that your relationship with Jesus is more important than your relationship with any person!  Crazy, right!?  This truth frees us up to hear God's voice when His definition of serving is way different than ours.  So, keep your heart focused on knowing the Creator and Perfecter of our faith, being willing to step forward in serving as He calls us and not as we see it playing out.  Then we'll have a much greater chance of making the difference in other people's lives as well!

Meant to Ponder

Have you ever heard really good news and immediately reached for the phone to call someone?  I remember when my nieces and nephews were born.  I just held the phone in my hand trying to think of more people to call and share the news.  Some of the people I called probably thought I was nuts because they didn't even know me that well, but I was just overflowing with joy and I wanted to share it.

I have actually had the same experience when something sad has happened.  I remember when I found out someone I loved passed away and I held the phone in my hand.  It wasn't even about informing people that needed the information.  It felt like more of the world around me needed to stop for a moment and acknowledge the pain.  Somehow, the world around me just needed to slow down out of respect for the grieving.

Unfortunately, I need to admit that this has also happened to me when someone did something that I just didn't like.  They'd either wronged me or someone I cared about and I felt a need to tell someone else.  Sometimes, I want someone to help me justify my feelings.  Sometimes, I feel like I need to warn a mutual friend that the person was able to hurt someone else in this way.  Regardless, in that moment, and in all those moments I've just mentioned, whatever I was feeling in my heart came out of my mouth.

Now, I am not saying that each and every time this happens that I should not have shared my feelings.  God gives us relationships with others to build each other up and sharing in life, praying with and for one another are precious moments that are often gifts from God.  I will say, however, that in order to know when it's a good thing to open my mouth, I need to ask God before acting.  This, sadly, has not always been the case.  My phone is almost always within reach and my speed dial is full of people that love me and will be glad to hear the overflow of my heart, good or bad.  Every once in awhile, like today, I have a moment when God reminds me that my heart does not always need to overflow to my lips.

Luke 2:19 says "But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart."

Have you ever really thought about all that Mary had been through up to that moment?  She had an angel visit her.  She found out she was going to have a baby in the most miraculous way.  Shepherds (people they didn't know) came looking for them to worship her new baby.   That would be seem awkward, don't you think?  These are not normal occurrences, even for Bible times!  But Mary, sweet and mature beyond her years, pondered these things in her heart.

If it were me by this time, Joseph would be so sick of me processing all of these things out loud!  "What are God's expectations of me now?  Are these people staying?  We're in a stable and I don't have food to feed us, let alone them.  Am I supposed to feel this way?  Are my feet going to stay this swollen now that the baby is born?  Did you hear that sound?  Did it come from one of these animals or something outside?  Joseph, what are you thinking about right now?"

However, God's instruction is clear and his reminder today was loving and gentle.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Yes, it is an often forgotten chore on our to-do lists, but today it's time to change the filter.  The intentional act of filtering what comes out of my mouth can get clogged up with emotions and needs to be changed into a pattern of going to God first.  The easiest way to begin to implement this new filter is by praying each and every time I pick up my phone.

Lord, may you be blessed by this conversation and if I'm meant to ponder, Lord...may the connection be poor and call drop.  Thank you, Lord for walking with me, not just every day but moment by moment.  Help me to keep my mind focused on You.

The Illusion of Control

The past few weeks have found myself feeling like a passenger in the roller coaster of life, just hanging on, hoping not to crash.  I don't feel this way very often and I will admit I don't like it.  I want to be in control.

Do you remember the scene in one of the Ice Age movies where Manny tries to childproof nature?  If I could, I would.  I want my child to be safe, always.  I want to know where he is, what he is doing and I want a bubble around him so he doesn't even get a paper cut.  I know somewhere deep inside me- not only is that not possible, but it's not healthy....for either of us, but I still have the desire.  

I had a dear friend lose her brother very unexpectedly this week.  I would love to be able to take the pain away from her.  I want to offer so many things but nothing seems adequate.  I cannot even control my ability to comfort a loved one. 

I watch people I love make decisions that pave their way to pain.  It makes my heart ache because I want to step in and change the path, change their decisions, and often change the very core of their belief system.

I don't know what is scarier, the fact that I am not in control or the fact that I often feel as though I am.  

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,   and he will make your paths straight"

I consider myself a fairly smart person.  I catch on to most things rather quickly....except this verse.  It seems as many times as I try, I continue to struggle with this very well known verse.  The following is a time of confession.

1."Trust"   I trust that God sent His son to die for me.  I trust that He loves me.  However, I must admit, I have a much more difficult time trusting that He has my children's best in mind at all times.  Especially when I watch them suffer.

2. "Lean not on your own understanding"  Boy oh boy, even rewriting it gives me goosebumps.  Listen, when things makes sense in your brain a certain way, you gotta figure anything else is just wrong, right?  It is difficult for me to conceive that my own ability for comprehension falls so short.

3. "Submit to Him"   What does that even mean?  Google's definition is to "accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person"   So, He wants me to choose His path not only when my understanding says we should be going in a different direction but also when my will or desire is to take a different path.  Hmm...this isn't getting any easier.  

4. "He will make your paths straight"   I get it...this is supposed to be the good part.  But what if His plan doesn't make sense to me.  I know, I know....see confessions 1-3.

So, now what do I do with all these emotions wrapped up inside me making me feel so out of control?  I don't have all the answers, but I have been told that frustration is the combination of a "can't" and a "have to".  One of them is always a lie. So let's find some truth.

Truth #1. Trust is a choice.  Simple as that.  I need to choose to live Romans 4:21 "being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised" including loving my children. 

Truth #2. It doesn't matter how smart I am, I cannot comprehend the plans of the creator of the universe. Isaiah 55:9,“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Truth #3. If I am convinced that my Savior loves me and that Jeremiah 29:11 is true that his plan for me is good, then submitting to Him and His plan for me should not be difficult or cause anxiety. If I struggle with this then I am not convinced of His love or His control and that leads me to the next truth. 

Truth #4. I am not in control.  If I want less anxiety about the hills and valleys of life, I need to spend more time with the One that is in control.  The more I know Him, the more I trust Him. 

I just need to remember there is a God and I am not Him. 

Understanding Leads to Belief, Belief Leads to Freedom

I love to grill!  Who wouldn't enjoy great food without the mess?  However,  I didn't always have this perspective.  I used to be afraid of my grill.  In fact,  there was a time that I refused to even light it.  So, what changed? 

A few years ago,  the grill wasn't working well.  We really didn't want to spend the money on a new grill so I called the company to find out what parts had a lifetime warranty.  Turned out everything that wasn't working was covered so I took pictures, emailed them in and they sent us new parts.  My husband was out of town when the parts came in.   I wanted to surprise him with a delicious dinner when he got home but I needed to disassemble then reassemble the grill.   I was totally intimidated by the metal contraption but I was determined to make it work.  

It took me several hours to get it apart, clean the necessary parts and put it all together but it worked great!  I had a much better understanding of how it worked and really wasn't afraid of it any more.  

I recently finished a Bible Study that reminded me of this story.  The study has given me an all new perspective of the Bible from a few steps back.  Although I love the Bible, I have been intimidated by it.  I didn't fully understand it and never felt that I really could understand it a whole lot better, so I just used it in the most familiar ways.

After learning more about each individual part, the authors, who they were, why they had the perspective they did and who they were writing to, I have a better understanding of who God is and how He speaks to me through His Word.  

Why is that important?  Well, in every struggle in life, I can find anxiety.  It comes far too easy.  If I want to battle that anxiety, I need to figure out what I'm believing that isn't true.  Often, that involves me limiting God.

Numbers 11:23 (NIV), "Is the Lord's arm too short?"

Ephesians 3:20-21 (The Message), "God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

When I have anxiety, basically, I am choosing to not believe that God can do anything.  I'm choosing to believe that He would not have what I need if my worst case scenario comes true.  I have experienced my nightmares come to life and He was faithful.  His peace can truly exist beyond my comprehension.  

There are many other reasons but being specific to what I am walking through right now, it is vital for my well being to believe that what God says is true.  I cannot do that if I don't know what He says and am too intimidated to find out.  Don't feel like you need to read it cover to cover and absorb it all at once, but find a way to break it down!  I've been told the book of John is a great place to start.   Find out who John was, who he was writing to and what his relationship was with Jesus.  Every author of the Bible was human and struggled with the same things that you and I do.  God planned it that way.  It is the inspired Word of God and He created it for me; He created it for you! 

I tried to bring it back around to the grill analogy but all I can come up with is when an unexpected flame pops up, don't let it just ruin your meal.  That sounds a little cheesy, let's take this down another path.  When we come to a curve in the road, let's not ignore the map, and wonder how we will get to the path we expected to be on.  Let's study the map in advance, so we can look up and acknowledge that there is beauty on the path we are on.  

Make Good Choices, Don't Feed the Weeds

On a beautiful sunny day last summer, I was watering my flowers when I saw a new type of blossom in my pot of blue lobelia.  It didn't look familiar but I didn't mind the way it looked with small pale pink beads.  So, I just continued to water everything in the container.  The new blossoms grew fast and I wondered if it was a new stage of the lobelia plant.  I enjoyed the fresh greens and pinks that I saw each day as the plant expanded.   Then, after a few weeks, my mom came over and as a former florist, I asked if she was familiar with this unknown beauty.  She informed me that it was a weed and it should be pulled.  I told her I had left it because I thought it was kind of pretty.  She said, "well, if you like the way it looks, then you could sure leave it."  So I did.

A few days later, as I was watering the plant, I found that the weed wasn't as pretty as I once thought it was.  Once I found out it was a weed, it just wasn't as attractive to me.  I was also afraid it would choke out my lobelia, as it was no longer the dominant plant in the container. I went to pull the weed and found that since I let it grow, it had a large stem and would take out most of the soil along with it.

I realized there are similarities between this container and my life.  There are things that begin to take root in my heart that I kind of enjoy.  Speaking my mind, for example.  It can feel empowering to say what you want to say when you want to say it.  It can feel good to stand up for yourself and get your point across in a powerful way.  However, if left unchecked, this attractive trait, can become unhealthy and choke out love and grace.  Even exercise which our body (and even our mind) needs can become a weed if it takes over the soil and chokes out the truth of who God says we are.

Philippians 4:8, " Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

It is easy to justify unwholesome actions, thoughts, or words because they are comical or we are just simply attracted to them for a fleeting moment.  It's also easy to find encouragement for such things.  It makes me think of the ear piercing auditions on American Idol by people that were told by loved ones that they were great singers.  We cannot rely on the people around us to be our litmus test of what we should be focusing on.  Instead, let's choose our thoughts and actions according to the Word of God. 

Romans 12:2, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Often, this time of year, we make resolutions to improve our lives.  Let's resolve to live life intentionally.  Don't let weeds creep in without noticing.   Choose to keep the flowers, even when it is more work.   Choose to be part of the beauty in someone else's life.  When you find yourself doing life in automatic, just trying to get through the day, picture me......in a cheesy grandma type sweater, dropping you off at school yelling out the car window, "Make good choices!"