The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

Almost eleven years ago, I was a naive young newlywed, anxious to become a mother.  I probably should have purchased stock in a pregnancy test company as I took them almost monthly.  When one day, the test came back positive, I could not have been happier!  As disgusting as it sounds, I could not throw the pee ridden test away.  I kept looking back at it trying to convince myself that it was true.  I told my husband and we carefully planned how we would announce it to our families.  It was Easter Sunday, 2004.  We had purchased adorable frames with baby decor and inserted a sign, "to be filled Nov. 24".  Everyone was thrilled...almost as thrilled as me.

Each day I would take a mental inventory of things I was waiting to happen.  Are my clothes fitting any tighter?  Am I feeling nauseous?  I excitedly made my first doctor appointment and couldn't wait to soak in every prenatal experience.  As I lay on the table in the exam room, waiting for the Certified Nurse Midwife, fear clenched my heart.  It was taking too long.  Tears started running down my face and she told my husband to come stand next to me and hold my hand.  More tests confirmed, there was no heartbeat.  My world crumbled around me.  My husband had to almost carry me out to the car as my legs felt like jello.  We just sat there, holding each other crying.  We made a few phone calls, but the dark cloud closing in was the only comfort I felt.  That might sound strange.  I didn't understand it for a long time but I know that I grabbed the black hole that I was sinking into and used it as a blanket to try to shut out the world. There is a song by Natalie Grant titled Held.  I have had a bit of a roller coaster type relationship with the song but one particular line I feel describes this time in my life so well.  "This hand is bitterness.  We want to taste it and Let the hatred numb our sorrows." 

I closed myself off in my bedroom.  Along with having medical complications that week, my grandmother also passed away. I cannot put into words the grief in those days.  I actually don't have a whole lot of memory from the days and months that followed. I know that eventually I went back to work because that's where I was when I received a call saying that an old friend that I loved had just tragically lost her five month old son.  I locked the door at work and sat crying in the bathroom.  The pain that I had begun to just live with was overwhelming once again.   I wanted so badly to be able to go and hug my friend but it was more than I could bear.  I was too empty to pour anything into someone else's life.

I believe it was September, 2004.  Each day I would wake up, I went through my routine but I was not really living.  I attended a wedding reception of another old friend.   The bride's sister was my friend that had lost her precious son only a few months earlier.   I saw her across the room and wanted to talk but didn't know the words to say.   As I watched her visit with friends and relatives,  I could not take my eyes off of her.   Could it be that she had joy?  I was stunned.   I had to know if that was really what I was seeing.  I made my way to her and failed at small talk.  I cannot quote the conversation but I can tell you that it rocked my world.  It was not that she was not still in the midst of unspeakable grief.  She had not "recovered and moved on".   She knew God in a way that I had not allowed to happen.   The joy of the Lord was her strength and I WANTED IT!  Up until that point,  I was hanging onto that security blanket so tightly that I didn't let God minister to my broken heart. Right then and there I felt a burden begin to lift.   I'm not going to say that my grief disappeared over night. I will say that I do not believe that the existence of joy does not mean the absence of sadness. Charles Spurgeon said, "A further source of joy is found by the Christian, who is living near to God, in a deep sense of reconciliation to God, of acceptance with God, and yet, beyond that, of adoption and close relationship to God."  Once we come to the realization that God is a loving father that wants us to lay all our burdens on Him,  there is joy, unspeakable joy!   

May 26, 2005, almost one year exactly to my miscarriage,  I had a son.  Along with motherhood, comes fear.   You watch your infant breathe praying for each new breath. You create a bubble of sanitary toys and make friends wash their hands before, after, and during their visits.   By themselves, these are not bad options but when driven by fear, your actions are no longer under your control. You are allowing something else, an emotion, to dictate your actions and reactions.   Each time these fears would arise,  my very personal God spoke to me and said "your greatest fear came to fruition and I still had everything you needed". 

And He was right.   December 2006, I lost another baby.  This time,  I didn't hold back my heart from my loving father.  I still grieved but not without the peace that truly surpasses our understanding.  I'm sad to have lost two sweet little lives but I relish the relationship that I now have with my Creator. My children are in His arms and can you think of a better babysitter? 

So, what happens when your worst nightmare comes true? You find out that Franklin D. Roosevelt was wrong.  Not even fear is worth fearing.